Truly an unforgettable day-o-huge-headlines
1) NEW HEADSET MIGHT MAKE YOUR DOG TALK
-I think I heard one say “woof, woof”
2) MAN EATS PIZZA EVERY MEAL FOR 25 YEARS
-It does cover all 4 food groups
3) LENO JOINS ARSENIO
-Hello again, 1993. I missed you
4) PROFESSIONAL STUDY SHOWS DOGS HAVE NO SHAME
-I can think of several reasons why this is obvious, but since words paint pictures, I won’t mention them.
1) Internet sensation, Logan, had his birthday yesterday, and it was SPECTACULAR
2) Dr. Egon Spengler (aka Harold Ramis) dies
3) MO county spelling bee runs out of words after two duel for 66 rounds
4) Meet NBA Pelicans mascot “King Cake Baby” (and be afraid, be very, very afraid)
1) New App Lets Babies Take Selfies
-and in a truly unique twist, the app is called “baby selfie”
2) 4 Goats Are Still Trying To Balance On a Piece of Tin
-at least that’s what the Internet keeps telling me
3) Wearing Yellow May Actually Make You Dumber
-it contains a chemical linked to reduced IQ
4) Jenson Button Engaged To Jessica Michibata
-I have never, ever heard of these two, but someone thought it was headline worthy so I’m following suit.
As for the Baby Selfie, my newphew can do it without an app (complete with a photobomb from my son).
1) Chevron offers “pizza & a soda” apology to explosion residents
2) Kit Kat named “Most Influential Candy Bar Ever”
3) Golf fan dives into cactus to avoid McIlroy’s shot (see image below)
4) I released my new book video today! Check it out here.
And beware of errant golf shots.
1) U.S. has a bonafide clown shortage
2) Satan cut from Jesus film (upcoming Son of God movie)
3) Bank lets you deposit cheese (they have a vault that holds 440,000 wheels of parmesan)
4) Omarosa running for LA School Board
Clowns, Satan, Omarosa, and Wheels of Cheese…I think all of these have their own phobia category. Today is a day of horror.
1) Krispy Kreme announces coffee flavored donuts (next week they’ll announce donut flavored coffee)
2) Ditka wants Matt Stafford to turn his hat around
3) Navy to deploy “Star Wars” laser gun
4) George Clooney is related to Abe Lincoln (half first cousin 5x removed)
5) Mark McGrath will appear in Sharknado 2 (it just gets better and better)
6) MIke Vick and Bow Wow are selling hair products
#3 and #5 are discreetly connected by this lyric: “all around the world statues crumble for me”
1) Bode Miller wins bronze (and my wife cried)
2) Mom expecting triplets get surprised with 4 at birth (and my wife cried)
3) Jen Welter becomes 1st pro female running back (my wife would so cry)
4) Snake handling TV Pastor dies from snakebite
And had I been there, I would have cried (tears of fear while running out the door at the first sign of a snake)
1) Bob Costas has pink eye
2) Your Keurig may soon make Coca-cola
3) Woz thinks Apple should make an Android phone
4) Farley’s “Down By The River” voted best SNL sketch ever
5) I just got Flappy Bird, and apparently I’m way behind the eight ball
Now excuse me while I retire to live in my van down by the river.
1) Those Chili Peppers play some mean air guitars
2) 51 Billion in Sochi currency doesn’t cover light bulbs
3) Couple find seal in backyard (the animal, not the singer)
4) Woman finds puma in breakfast nook (the animal, not the shoe)
5) Giraffe walks into a bar in Johannesburg
Create your own punchline for #5.