NEWSFLASH: 2/5/14
1) Those Chili Peppers play some mean air guitars
2) 51 Billion in Sochi currency doesn’t cover light bulbs
3) Couple find seal in backyard (the animal, not the singer)
4) Woman finds puma in breakfast nook (the animal, not the shoe)
5) Giraffe walks into a bar in Johannesburg
Create your own punchline for #5.
NEWSFLASH: 2/4/14
1) $43,000 found in donated Goodwill robe
2) You can buy Magnum P.I.’s house for a mere 15 million
3) Miley says she “doesn’t love kids”
4) A man literally named “King Of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite” denied a passport.
NEWSFLASH: 1/31/14
1) World’s oldest flamingo dies at 83
2) Helen Mirren twerks
(in my head, these 2 paint a similar picture)
3) Mutant Zombie Bees are coming
4) Sharknado 2! AHHHHH!
5) Viral Video of the Day: Dog gets head stuck in lunch bag. Here’s a spoiler of what happens in the video:
Sometimes life isn’t all that awesome.
I was reminded of this awful truth when I woke up to a house without power this morning in 4 degree temperatures. Oh, and my pipes were frozen, so no heat, no water, and no power.
Normally this would send me into total-Darren-freak-out-panic mode. My wife says I’m a bit of a pessimist when it comes to these types of situations, or any situation for that matter.
My brain tends to see everything that’s not there. I like to see what’s coming, so I analyze every possible scenario before any of them actually play out. I’m always looking past what I see and trying to see what I can’t see.
Wow, just writing that makes me realize why my wife gets so annoyed with this trait. Continue Reading →
NEWSFLASH: 1/30/14
1) It was 4 degrees in southern TN this morning (ie, at my house)
2) My power went out
3) My pipes froze
4) My heater is barely functioning
All the real headlines from today were more boring than my own. I should say thank you to our local Starbucks who unknowingly served as my family’s Master Bath at 7am this morning.
NEWSFLASH: 1/29/14
1) Snow
2) Snow
3) Snow
4) And I keep seeing the hashtag “SOTU” which best I can gather stands for “Snow Out The Uzoo”
NEWSFLASH: 1/28/14
1) A new keychain detects dirty diapers
2) Girl Scout cookies release gluten free option
3) Dukes of Hazzard turns 35 today
4) “Lucky horse named Moonshine rescued from deep, icy hole”
I have thoughts on all the above:
1) What happens when I lose my keys?
2) But I like gluten…
3) Ugh
4) Too many ironies in this headline to point them all out
NEWSFLASH: 1/24/14
1) If you wanna lose weight, just lower your thermostat
2) New Oreos–Marshmallow Crispy and Cookie Dough (I guess they just don’t cook them)
3) Study proves walking and texting is dangerous
4) Mork and Mindy reunite on “Crazy Ones”
5) Grey’s Anatomy stars sign two-year extension (Did anyone even know it was still on?)
Ripped from today’s headlines:
1) Captain and Tennile are divorcing after 39 years
2) Facebook’s oldest user is 106
3) A new bracelet can prevent sunburn
4) Wombat gets a hip replacement
5) Viral Image of the day: man wears dog shirt, dog wears man shirt… you’re welcome:
1) It’s snowing in the Northeast