NEWSFLASH: 2/20/14
1) Chevron offers “pizza & a soda” apology to explosion residents
2) Kit Kat named “Most Influential Candy Bar Ever”
3) Golf fan dives into cactus to avoid McIlroy’s shot (see image below)
4) I released my new book video today! Check it out here.
And beware of errant golf shots.
CHECK OUT DARREN’S BRAND NEW (and highly entertaining) BOOK VIDEO!
NEWSFLASH: 2/19/14
1) U.S. has a bonafide clown shortage
2) Satan cut from Jesus film (upcoming Son of God movie)
3) Bank lets you deposit cheese (they have a vault that holds 440,000 wheels of parmesan)
4) Omarosa running for LA School Board
Clowns, Satan, Omarosa, and Wheels of Cheese…I think all of these have their own phobia category. Today is a day of horror.
NEWSFLASH: 2/18/14
1) Krispy Kreme announces coffee flavored donuts (next week they’ll announce donut flavored coffee)
2) Ditka wants Matt Stafford to turn his hat around
3) Navy to deploy “Star Wars” laser gun
4) George Clooney is related to Abe Lincoln (half first cousin 5x removed)
5) Mark McGrath will appear in Sharknado 2 (it just gets better and better)
6) MIke Vick and Bow Wow are selling hair products
#3 and #5 are discreetly connected by this lyric: “all around the world statues crumble for me”
NEWSFLASH: 2/17/14
1) Bode Miller wins bronze (and my wife cried)
2) Mom expecting triplets get surprised with 4 at birth (and my wife cried)
3) Jen Welter becomes 1st pro female running back (my wife would so cry)
4) Snake handling TV Pastor dies from snakebite
And had I been there, I would have cried (tears of fear while running out the door at the first sign of a snake)
NEWSFLASH: 2/12/14
1) It’s still snowing…everywhere
2) Fashion Week says bathrobes are the new coats
3) Massachusetts HS bans yoga pants (but can they wear bathrobes?)
4) ACHY BREAKY HEART IS BACK!
They’ve remade it, complete with rapping. This is excellent b/c every time I heard it back in the day I immediately thought to myself, “If this song broke into rap at some point, it would be epic.”
1) Missed out on Flappy Bird? Try Flappy Plane or Flappy Bee
2) COMING SOON: new Doritos Loaded! (a strange, mozzarella stickish, triangular, cheese thingy filled with a dash of awesome)
3) the Bitcoin is crashing like a fallen downhill skier
4) Costas now has two pink eyes
5) Today in Weird Beer Flavors: try beer flavored jelly beans and/or beer flavored ice cream.
Please don’t go for a sundae drive afterwards. (pun)
NEWSFLASH: 2/10/14
1) Flappy Bird’s creator pulled it from all app stores
-You should be outraged
2) Katy Perry changed the lyrics of a Beatles Song
-You should be outraged
3) You can now drink “Dumb Starbucks Coffee” for free
-it’s art, seriously
4) Translators find Snowboarder’s “bro speak” hard to translate
-“stoked” is apparently not in the Russian vocabulary
NEWSFLASH: 2/7/14
1) Bob Costas has pink eye
2) Your Keurig may soon make Coca-cola
3) Woz thinks Apple should make an Android phone
4) Farley’s “Down By The River” voted best SNL sketch ever
5) I just got Flappy Bird, and apparently I’m way behind the eight ball
Now excuse me while I retire to live in my van down by the river.
I had an epiphany recently, and it wasn’t a pleasant one.
I have a horrible habit of crawling up into my head to see what’s there. More often than not I merely notice what’s missing, but that’s another story.
I’m slightly introverted, so I often find myself lost in my thoughts. (Does that phrasing even make sense?)
WARNING: TMI in 3…2…1…
This happens most often while I’m in the shower.
My wife likes to point out that I sometimes take long showers. I do this because I literally forget I’m in the shower. I get utterly lost in my head, like that dude in the movie Hook who couldn’t find his marbles.
On one of my recent head trips (pun) I realized that my head is a place no one should ever visit. It’s filled with ridiculous ponderings about strawberry jelly, Jesus, duck-billed platypuses, time travel, and Teletubbies, although not necessarily in that order. (Unfortunately the Teletubbies are usually first, followed by the time travel, which is usually my attempt to escape the Teletubbies, who are the thing of nightmares.)
And this life-changing epiphany was followed by another, more horrifying epiphany: My book is a literal trip inside the mind of Darren. The previous paragraph shows why this is so horrifying.