WIFEY’S EPIC FAILURE

My wife recently tried to prank me with a positive pregnancy test. She failed epically, but her attempt was priceless.

I’m not sure when the wifey had this brilliant idea, but she decided to show me a positive pregnancy test for April Fool’s Day. After pondering how she might pull this off, she decided to pull her pregnant friend into the ill-advised prank.

A few weeks ago—DURING CHURCH SERVICE—my wife brought a pee stick and left it in her coat. Whilst everyone else was partaking in the worship of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, her preggo friend snuck out to the coat rack, took the pee stick, and headed to the bathroom. She then did her business—DURING CHURCH SERVICE—and returned the stick to said coat. She reentered the worship of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as if nothing had happened. And I found out this morning she didn’t even tell her husband what she had done for my wifey.

Wives can be so diabolical, especially during church service.

Wifey took the positive pee stick home, but realized after a few days it was no longer showing positive. I must assume that most of us have no idea these things have a shelf life, because no one in their right mind would wait two weeks to show their husband a positive test, right?

So, now that the fake-prank-positive-test no longer showed a fake-prank-positive, she had to return to the drawing board. Wifey and the Preggo returned to their underground evil bunker lair to cunningly revise their wicked plan. What they came up with was even more diabolical, and shockingly, 100 times more disturbing. This is where the story takes a really, really ugly turn.

WARNING: what you are about to read is unfortunately 100% true (NOTE: after Wifey read this, she claimed I had a few details wrong, but once you’ve read the following, you won’t trust her either).

At some point, Preggo peed in a bag. She then placed the pee bag in a second bag for leakage protection. And it had HAZARDOUS marked all over the plastic. They then proceeded to do another bait and switch last Sunday—DURING CHURCH SERVICE—yet again. They used the old put-your-bag-of-pee-into-your-friends-coat-during-church-service-trick. And apparently they pulled it off to perfection.

Wives can be so diabolical, especially during church service.

After worship of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ had finished, Wifey brought the hazardous pee bag home and hid it in the darren-has-no-clue-where-this-is-spot (which I need to find immediately). Then, as a precursor to her evil set up, Wifey began complaining about her stomach for a few days, saying she was feeling sick—nauseated, even.

The morning-o-diabolicalness, as we were getting dressed, Wifey walked into the bathroom and I heard her lock the door. I noticed this because it seemed a bit unusual. She doesn’t normally lock the door. But again, I breezed over it like any loving, thoughtful, caring, intelligent, handsome, and abundantly clever husband would do. I then headed out to the kitchen for my morning cup-o-joe.

Whilst preparing my morning cup-o-joe from our Keurig (which I love, btw), Wifey came out in a panic. Her face looked heavy. Her words were dropping like 20 pound weights. She muttered, “I know why I’ve been feeling so bad lately.” She then put the fake-prank-positive-pee-stick down in front of me.

She had gone all out. It wasn’t a line test—it was a digital test, the kind that simply and literally spells it out for you. So there in front of me next to our Keurig (love) lay the fake-prank-positive-pee-stick, and all I saw was the word, “PREGNANT.”

Wifey’s eyes showed a hint of sheer panic. She looked at me and said, “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?!”

Turning back toward the Keurig (love), I paused for a moment. I put both hands on the counter and leaned forward. My wheels were turning. The conversation in my head went something like this:

Ummm, is this real? This can’t be real. We’ve taken a thousand precautions, including SURGERY, to keep this from happening. She was only sick for one night…

I looked up from the Keurig (love) for a moment, and looked into her eyes again. The look of panic on her face seemed a little contrived.

I’m not buying this. Do they sell fake-prank-pregnancy tests? They must, I’m certain this isn’t real. WAIT A MINUTE…WHAT DAY IS THIS?

I thought back to my computer screen from the day before and I saw the date in my head, “March 31.”

So, today is April 1. That means it’s April Fool’s Day.

I turned back to the Keurig (love), threw the stick to the back of the counter and said simply, “Baby, it’s April 1st.” And that was the end of it.

After punching me in the back, she then proceeded to tell me these HIGHLY disturbing details that I’ve now shared with you. I almost feel bad for not falling for it, considering all she—and her preggo friend—went through to make it happen. But as I continue to think about it, I realize I don’t feel all that bad.

But what I do feel really bad about is the fact that for about 15 years now, I had no idea my wife could be so rabid-rabies-raccoon-crazy.